Ben: “Ian, Ian!”
Me: “Ben, I’m ‘Daddy’ to you.”
Ben (quizzically): “But you are ‘Ian’ as well.”
Me: “Yes, I know that, but I’d prefer it if you called me ‘Daddy’.”
Ben: “Oh. Sorry, Ian!”
August 2010
Ben: “Can I have another bedtime story Dad?”
Me: “Not tonight Ben, it’s too late and you’re too tired.”
Ben: “I’m not, I’m not, grumbled Ben!”
August 2010
Whilst sat at the dinner table this evening:
Ben: “Oh! Daddy, I can hear your brains!”
Ian: “Say that again?”
Ben: “I can hear your brains!”
Ian: “You can hear my *brains*? How?”
Ben: “Through the holes on your head!”
Jocelyn: “So, what does Daddy’s brain sound like?”
Ben: “It’s *really* loud!”
Ian: “You got that right. Eat your pasta.”
August 2010
Ben: “I’ve done a poo! It is a polar-bear-shaped poo!”
August 2010
Me: “I love you, Ben. I always wanted a son, I’m glad you came along.”
Ben: “Yes, Dad. I was just walking along the road, wasn’t I? I saw you and thought ‘He can be my Daddy’. And I came in the house and took my shoes off.”
November 2010
Benjamin just woke up after having had a bad dream “about the evil penguin on Pingu”. I must have missed that bit…
December 2010
At Newmillerdam country park:
Ben: “AAAaaargh! It’s a crocodile!!!! Oh, no… it’s just a duck.”
April 2011
At 7pm at the end of a long Bank Holiday Saturday:
Ben: “Am I going to Play School today?”
April 2011
On taking a break from reading a book:
Ben: “I’m just going to pause my book.”
May 2011
Ben: “My brain can’t let me sleep!”
June 2011
On being told that we’re going on holiday to The Netherlands:
Ben: “Where Peter Pan comes from?!”
June 2011
On overhearing us discussing the closure of the News of the World:
Ben: “Daddy, did you just say the world is closing?!”
Poor boy thought it was the apocalypse.
July 2011
Ben: “I can’t sleep! I’ve got thirty-nine bits of energy!”
July 2011
On Christmas Eve:
Ben: “How many more sleeps is it until my birthday?”
December 2011
In the bath:
Ben: “I’ve got a BOMB! With flipper-hitters!!”
Me: “Ben, that’s a duck.”
Are all four-year-old boys like this?
February 2011
Me: “Ben, please stop replying to everything I say with ‘Yeah, but…’.”
Ben: “Well, what can I say instead?”
Me: “How about ‘OK Dad’?”
Ben: “OK Dad but…”
March 2011
Ben: “DAD! Can I have some cheese?”
Me: “OK.”
Ben: “And when you’re done getting my cheese, can you put a show on TV for me, ‘cos there are commercials on.”
Me: “Oh OK, we can’t have you watching commercials, we know how susceptible you are! What are the commercials talking about?”
Ben: “Cheese.”
March 2011
Me: “Have you got Daddy a present for Christmas?”
Isla: “Yes. A newspaper. You say ‘Oh boy!'”
December 2011
Isla: “What are you doing, Mummy?”
Joce: “Just holding Daddy’s hand.”
Isla: “So that he doesn’t run away?”
January 2012
I spent a good ten minutes this evening reading Isla a Ladybird book about Vikings. Their culture, food, tools where they came from, etc. The last page posed the question “What would you do if you were a Viking?”
Isla considered this briefly, then suggested “Play ‘Angry Birds’?”
February 2012
Isla: “Where has the sunshine gone, Daddy?”
April 2012
Isla: “Shall I shriek at you?”
May 2012
Isla’s latest suggested name for her younger brother: “Yehudi Poo Tentacle”. Might veto that one…
June 2012
Ben: “Hey Dad, in about three more birthdays you’ll be nearly 40”
Me: “That’s right Ben. It’s a bit scary really.”
Ben: “Yeah, and I know why you’re
scared. ‘Cos you’ll be closer to dying.”
😐
June 2012
Me: “Hi Isla! What is Mr Tumble up to today?” (she was watching TV)
Isla: “Pooing on your head.”
Me: “O-K… any ideas where you would like me to take you today?”
Isla: “Pooland.”
Ah, the scatalogical leanings of a three-year-old. It could be a long day.
June 2012
On buying a second car:
Ben: “There’s no stopping us now!”
September 2012
Me: “So tell me about your new swimming instructor. Is it a lady or a man?”
Ben: “Well, for the undeep bit it’s a…”
Me: “The what? The undie bit?”
Ben: “The UNDEEP bit of the pool.”
Me: “Oh, I see – we call that the ‘shallow’ end.”
Ben: “OK. For the shallow bit of the pool it’s a lady. For the unshallow bit it’s a man.”
September 2012
Isla: “I am not calling my brother Matthew Hengry. I am just calling him Matthew.”
Me: “Good, ‘cos his middle name is ‘Henry'”
Isla: “Hengry”.
Me: “Henry.”
Isla: “Hengry”.
Me: “HEN-“
Isla: “Hen”
Me: “-RY”
Isla: “-ry”
Me: “Henry”
Isla: “Hengry”.
September 2012
On being told to get out of bed on an early-Autumn morning:
Isla: “But it is still dark!”
Ben: “Can we have breakfast in bed?”
October 2012
Isla: “Daddy, what are manners?”
Me: “Manners tell us how to behave nicely, to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, how to eat our meals politely, that kind of thing.”
Isla: “Are you and mummy my manners?”
October 2012
Nannan: “That was good reading Ben – what shall I put in your reading record book?”
Ben: “Put ‘Ben is magnificent and should be moved up a level'”.
October 2012
Even at bedtime, and even when utterly misheard – if one child asks for something, their sibling demands it too. Case in point:
Ben: “Dad, can I have a kiss and cuddle?”
Isla: “I WANT A MISTER MUDDLE!”
October 2012
I told the kids they could only have one bedtime story each as it was late.
Ben chose The Odyssey.
October 2012
Me: “Ben, what is your middle name?”
Ben: “Jamin.”
November 2012
Ben: “Is that a brain in the microwave? Are we having brains for dinner?!”
Jocelyn: “No Ben, I’m defrosting mince!!”
December 2012
Isla shouted for me twice in the night, complaining that she was being plagued by “fairy bumblebees” that were trying to peel her skin off.
During the day today, I quizzed her as to why she shouted for me and not Jocelyn Nelson.
“Because you’re better at it,” she told me.
“Better at what?” I asked.
“Killing the fairy bumblebees!” she replied.
January 2013
Jocelyn: “OK kids, keep your eyes out for a parent and child parking space!”
Isla (giggling): “I know you are just joking mum! You are funny!”
Me: “What’s so funny, Isla?”
Isla: “They don’t really have parrot and child spaces!”
February 2013
Isla: “When I grow up I want to be a lizard.”
Me: “A lizard?”
Isla: “Er, oh no… a wizard!”
February 2013
Ben: “Dad, do we have any gravy granules and teabags?”
This will not end well.
March 2013
Isla: “Daddy, what does W-T-F spell?”
March 2013
On Disney Junior now transmitting in High Definition:
Isla: “They’ve cleaned out the telly, Dad!”
April 2013
Me: “Hey kids, guess when Blackpool Tower was built?”
Isla: “Thursday?”
May 2013
Ben: “Dad, please can you buy me a cherry pie?”
Me: “Sure.. do you like
cherries?”
Ben: “Oh, it’s not a food – it’s a computer.”
Me: “Do you mean a Raspberry Pi?”
Ben: “Yeah!”
May 2013
Jocelyn: “Thank you for letting me sleep in.”
Isla: “You’re welcome Mummy. It is too cold and rainy to sleep out.”
May 2013
Jocelyn: “This table is filthy! Sultana bran, Weetabix, Rice Krispies… you name it, Isla has spilled it!”
Isla (thoughtfully): “I shall name it ‘Sandra’.”
June 2013
Me: “Hey kids, did you hear the thunderstorm last night?”
Isla: “No Daddy. I heard you snoring though.”
July 2013
Ben: “If you drop a piece of food on the floor for less than five seconds, you can still eat it.”
Me: “Uh-huh. Where did you learn that?”
Ben: “At Beavers, when we were doing our ‘Healthy Eating’ badge.”
August 2013
Ben: “Do you know, if there was no gravity, and all the dinosaurs went to a football pitch, the match would only last half a second.”
September 2013
Isla: “Daddy, can I have a dot-to-dot picture of a princess?”
Me: “Sure, here you go.”
Parenting must have been tougher before Google Images.
October 2013
Benjamin took his favourite book into school today to share with his class at “Show and Tell”.
Me: “What did your class think of ‘The Odyssey’, Ben?”
Ben: “They thought it was epic!”
October 2013
Me: “Isla, what is your new dog called?”
Isla: “Leash”
November 2013
Me: “Ben, your behavior today is not good for my blood pressure. Do you want me to die young?!”
Ben: “Ah, don’t be silly Dad – you’re not young!”
November 2013
Isla: “Daddy, you have got a very shiny forehead.”
December 2013
Jocelyn: “Isla, would you like some almonds?”
Isla: “Like the thing you say at the end of prayers?”
January 2014
Me: “…and when we’re on holiday in Spain, people will talk a foreign language.”
Ben: “[friend] in my class makes the teacher feel like she’s talking a foreign language!”
January 2014
On the reason for Team GB’s impressive Snowboarding performance in the winter Olympics, despite the relative lack of snow and mountains on this sceptered isle:
Ben: “I guess they had a Wii when they were younger and played the Snow Resort bit of ‘Go Vacation’ a lot!”
February 2014
Me: “Good morning Matthew!”
Matthew: “Poo.”
Ah wonderful, we’ve taught another one to communicate.
February 2014
Ben’s homework was to write sentences containing a comparative adjective and a connective. He came up with the following:
“Mum is old but Dad is older.”
Hmmm…
March 2014
Isla: “Daddy, for my birthday, please can I have a bucket?”
March 2014
Isla: “Pluto isn’t a planet any more, is it?”
Ben: “No, it’s an elf planet”
Me: “I think you mean a dwarf planet Son…”
March 2014
Me: “Time to get up Ben! It’s Thursday!”
Ben: “Thursday is dead and I’m its bones.”
March 2014
On a day trip to Bridlington beach:
Isla: “Oh mummy, I like this rock with all the pretty colours!”
Jocelyn Nelson “Isla, that’s a lump of concrete..”
April 2014
Me: “Good morning Isla”
Isla: “Hi Daddy! I am going to have a good birthday today!”
Me: “It’s your birthday tomorrow, it’s your party today.”
Isla: “Oh. Which one do I get cake on?”
April 2014
Ben’s homework – think of ten verbs and write sentences containing them.
May 2014
I went into Ben’s room to find that 21-month old Matthew had managed to climb up into Ben’s high-sleeper cabin bed.
“Matthew Henry, how did you get up there?!” I asked with mock exasperation.
He looked at me as if I were an imbecile, pointed and slowly said
“Ladder!”
June 2014
When the broken printer that I offered on FreeCycle failed to garner any interest:
Ben: “Ah Dad, why don’t you say how good it
is for storing paper?”
Clearly a glittering future in marketing awaits.
June 2014
Matthew: “Momma – more chips, please?”
It’s amazing what polite linguistics one-year-olds are capable of given sufficient incentive.
July 2014
Isla: “¡Hola! Konichiwa! Edinburgh rock!”
One week in to our vacation, Isla’s Spanish is still somewhat lacking.
Ben, meanwhile, has mastered “patatas fritas” so he’ll survive.
August 2014
Saturday morning, 0645. It seems Matthew is slightly obsessed with the 90-second long theme tune at the end of contemporary Thomas The Tank Engine episodes.
“Dadda, more choo-choo! Song! Crew!” (Hits me with remote control)
August 2014
At home we keep a bunch of Thomas The Tank Engine track inside a large footstool. Here’s a photo of a frustrated Matthew discovering that not all footstools in the universe possess this property. “Track!!!”
August 2014
Me: “Isla, your bagel is ready!”
Matthew runs into the kitchen.
Me: “You’re not Isla. You’re Matthew.”
Isla walks into the kitchen.
Isla: “I’m Isla.”
Matthew turns, pushes his sister.
Matthew: “YOU ARE NOT ISLA! I AM ISLA!”
#twoyearolds
March 2015
Ben was uncertain as to the level of formality required when signing a Mother’s Day card.
March 2015
Matthew: “I done a poo in my sock.”
Me: “In your SOCK?!”
Matthew: “No! It a joke!! Ha ha ha!”
#twoyearoldshumour
March 2015
Isla: “I’ve made a present for you daddy. It’s a rock, and I’ve drawn a picture of you on it.”
April 2015
Dora the Explorer: “Will YOU help me get my necklace back?”
Isla: “Ah, maybe later Dora.”
May 2015
Ben: “Dad, what is this song called?”
Me: “‘I Am The Resurrection'”.
Ben: “Ah. Please can you start a ‘favourites’ playlist for me and put this on it?”
#parentingWin
June 2015
Jocelyn: “What do you think you will be when you grow up, Isla? You could be anything you want to be.”
Isla: “A chicken.”
October 2015
Me: “What are you drawing this morning?”
Isla: “What’s the other one that’s not heaven?”
Me: “Hell?”
Isla: “Yeah! I’m gonna draw that funny guy with the horns!”
November 2015
Ben: “I might be a hobo when I’m older. Or a magistrate.”
February 2016
One the artwork for the “Happy Ash Wednesday” card she gave to Jocelyn Nelson today:
Isla: “I didn’t know what ash looks like, so I’ve drawn a hedgehog instead.”
February 2016
My best birthday present came from Isla – a mostly-uneaten pack of spearmint Polos.
March 2016
Matthew: “I have matching socks! You are a good mummy!”
March 2016
Matthew: “Benny, what’s your favourite colour?”
Ben (instantly): “Light magenta.”
March 2016
Matthew: “I never knew an egg could be so much fun!”
March 2016
Isla: “Please can I smell another boiled egg?”
March 2016
Me: “You’re getting taller Matthew.”
Matthew: “Yes, and my bottom is getting bigger!”
May 2016
Ben: “Dad, can we make an Excel spreadsheet listing the football stickers I have and the ones I need?”
#proud
May 2016
Me: “Good morning Princess”
Isla: “I am not a Princess. I would much rather be a Knight. Or maybe the castle cleaner.”
June 2016
Me: “Hey kids, who is this scarecrow?”
Matthew: “Uncle Patrick!”
June 2016
Ben: “Dad, do you know another word for ‘pulmonology’?”
June 2016
Ben: “Night Dad, see you tomorrow, hopefully.”
Me: “Hopefully? Why hopefully?”
Ben: “I dunno, you might get killed in the night or something.”
June 2016
Ben: “Dad, you look like a sheet of graph paper.”
July 2016
Me: “Can you smile?”
Ben: “I’m trying.”
July 2016
Ben: “Isla, I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
August, 2016
At 0645:
Matthew: “It’s not even morning.”
He has a point.
October 2016
Isla: “Wi-Fi is the most valuable thing in the world!”
November 2016
Me: “What do you want for breakfast Matthew?”
Matt: “Er, Crunchy Nuts! And Cheerios! Oh, and blueberry wheats!”
I aim to please.
November 2016
Matthew: “Dad, can I look on the tablet for things I might want for Easter?”
Me: “You mean Christmas.”
Matthew: “No, I mean Easter. I have already written my Christmas list.”
December 2016
Ben: “It’s great having a computer geek for a Dad.”
January 2017
Matthew: “Daddy, will we have our new kitchen by the time I am a grown-up?”
My procrastination as regards home improvement projects has not gone unnoticed by the four year old.
February 2017
Things Isla has brought to lunch #1: Duct tape
Things Isla has brought to lunch #2 and #3: fingerless gloves and an invisible ink pen.
April 2017
Ben: “When we get home I’m going straight on the trampoline.”
Matthew: “When we get home I’m going straight on Amazon.”
June 2017
Me: “Do you know the word for trees that lose their leaves in the Autumn?”
Matthew: “Yes. ‘Bare’.”
November 2017
Matthew: “Cauliflower is like limited edition white broccoli.”
December 2017
A Yuletide poem by Isla:
Christmas
Crackers go snap
While Dad has a nap
Dad got socks
Don’t wear Crocs
December 2017
Decided to wear a suit and tie for a change this morning.
Matthew: “Daddy, you look like someone who isn’t in our family.”
January 2018
Isla: “Why would you want to pay 50p for extra snot?”
October 2018
Isla: “For food and friends, we give thanks. Amen. Oh, and we hope there’s ice cream.”
November 2018
